La Resistance

La Resistance has moved

2008-05-17T17:45:00.000-04:00

New La Resistance Articles can be found at www.mardonia.com

State of The Empire Address

2008-05-06T09:35:00.005-04:00

PFA: My fellow Mardonians in order to create a more perfect empire we must halt the infighting throughout Mardonia. This political civil war has constantly impeded any efforts for decisive action concerning the issues that greatly concern us all as citizens of this wonderful tract of land we call Mardonia. We are truly a blessed people, our land has had God's grace shed on it, yet we consistently across the board bicker, argue and yes even kill each other. The attacks on Cinco De Mayo on one of Mardonia's greatest institutions have truly disheartened us all. I am talking of course about the attacks on the Dairy Queen by the rebel faction the MMM. The McCheese Monopoly Movement has occupied one of our most dear business establishments in order to obtain a monopoly on providing Mardonia with artery clogging delicious food. So it's time for some straight talk: McCheese, you messed up bad, you broke rule numero uno, you messed with my steady supply of snickers blizzards. McCheese is a fascist dictator who's goal in life is nothing more than the imminent destruction of all we hold dear. This is why I must act decisively, McCheese you have forty-eight hours to withdraw Ronald, Grimace, and the Hamburgerlar from Dairy Queen or their will be nuclear retaliation, you've been warned. Thank you and God Bless Mardonia

A Word With Our President: NPPFA

2008-05-02T12:15:00.002-04:00

RMD: Mr. President I hope you are ashamed of your actions this week.

PFA: Is that a question?

RMD: No it is outrage, after the things you said and your actions last week, making me call you Professor and calling me stupid for not going to University you obtained your degrees fraudulently!

PFA: What are you talking about? I am smart, see this piece of paper says so!

RMD: The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette-Journal-Review- and tire care center recently conducted an interview with Carnegie Melon officials and uncovered the truth about your degree sir, the jig is up.

PFA: Those bastards! I should've suspected the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette-Journal-Review- and tire care center, they always had it out for me! Constantly jealous of my strong economic policies. Do you know how great Mardonia is compared to Pittsburgh? Hmmm? Do you? Did you know our unemployment rate is only 5.9%. Thanks to my economic savvy I have 94.1% of Mardonias working at our fine local businesses.

RMD: Sir!

PFA: I mean is this any way to treat such an influential leader!

RMD: SIR!!!

PFA: WHAT?

RMD: Pittsburgh's unemployment rate is only 5.2%.

PFA: Well, it is only......slightly better than Mardonia's.

RMD: But sir, 5.2% of Pittsburgh's population is more than seventeen thousand people, more than Mardonia's entire population.

PFA: Damn it man can't you just let me have this one, why do you always have to piss all over my ego huh?

RMD: Sir, Mardonia is leading the eastern panhandle in unemployment what should we do.

PFA: Move to Pittsburgh!

*PFA gets up and storms out.*

These stories can be found at:
Fraudulent degree of Joe Manchin's daughter:
http://74.95.82.237:591/mmonline/FMPro?-db=mmonline.fp5&-format=record%5fdetail.html&-lay=allfields&lay=allfields&Category=Editorial&ArticleStatus=Current&-max=20&-recid=12585600&-find=

Unemployment Statistics:
http://74.95.82.237:591/mmonline/FMPro?-db=mmonline.fp5&-format=record%5fdetail.html&-lay=allfields&lay=allfields&Category=Editorial&ArticleStatus=Current&-max=20&-recid=12585601&-find=

A Word With Our President: PPFA

2008-04-29T20:44:00.003-04:00

RMD: Mr. President as you know news has been slow these last few weeks and you have been unavailable to the public. With all of your time off you must have many updates to give the people of Mardonia.

PFA: Well, the reason I took time off was to further myself and gain knowledge. I received an honorary doctorate from Carnegie Melon and I am also an honorary professor. Which as I found out during my short stay at the university is that I apparently have the right to force my opinions on others and that I can never be wrong.

RMD: I hardly think that because you are an honorary professor that means that you are always right.

PPFA: You've never been to a university have you?

RMD: No.

PPFA: See, that proves it, I can make random insinuations about things that I know nothing about and can be right, over and over again.

RMD: Sir can we get back to the news.

PPFA: Sure, what are you questions, I shall allow you a quick drink from the fountain of knowledge that is Professor President Fitzgerald Awesome.

RMD: Sir the largest story is your decision to discuss selling the Mardonian Memorial Hospital, do you have any comments?

PPFA: Well, I always thought it was important for the municipality of Mardonia to own the means of production so as to prevent all powerful business men to control the downtrodden workers. For you see if the state owns the means of production only good can come of it, everyone knows government is a great managerial power.

RMD: Sir, isn't that Communism.

PPFA: Why yes it is, I'm a professor now, which means I have found better means than your American capitalism.

RMD: But sir, every time Communism has been tried it has failed miserably and led to civil unrest and violations of human rights.

PPFA: SHHHH! If they find out I'm not a communist I can't be a professor anymore.

RMD: Ok? Anyway what prompted this sudden interest in selling Mardonia's hospital?

PPFA: It's losing money, and we have to build a new Empirical building, and many other public works projects.

RMD: But sir, isn't that a capitalist idea?

PPFA: Nope, I can't be wrong remember?

RMD: Yes sir whatever you say.

This complete story can be found at http://74.95.82.237:591/mmonline/FMPro?-db=mmonline.fp5&-format=record%5fdetail.html&-lay=allfields&lay=allfields&Category=Top%20Stories&ArticleStatus=Current&-max=20&-recid=12585563&-find=

A Word With Our President: Funked Up Mardonia

2008-03-27T08:47:00.004-04:00

RMD: Mr. President, Mardonia has been in the news a lot lately for various reasons I'm sure you're aware of, do you have any thoughts?

PFA: I like reading about myself.

RMD: No, I mean, for example, what about that medical trash that was dumped all over down town Mardonia?

PFA: I didn't have anything to do with it I swear!

RMD: Sir, I didn't suggest...

PFA: No, but you implied that somehow I got ahold of some morphine and magic mushrooms and ran around town sprinkling syringes, which I thought were peppermint patties, in people's yards. I didn't know people would step outside in their slippers and start their day off getting AIDS from a mystery needle, it was a mistake.........but I didn't do it.

RMD: Ok, ok calm down. Sir what about the high failure rate at humble Vardonia (The Highschool).

PFA: I knew once I graduated the test scores would plummet. I was single handedly responsible for Vardonias once illustrious test scores.

RMD: Sir, I'm sorry, but your glory days are over now.

PFA: Well, here's what we'll do. I'll set aside five million dollars for osmosis.

RMD: Osmosis sir.

PFA: Yea, osmosis is a process where water creates a balance inside and outside a membrane.

RMD: Sir, could you stop reading from your hand.

PFA: I have a theory, this could could work with knowledge. I want to set up a series of experiments where a smart person's head is tied to a dumb person's head for a predetermined amount of time. The knowledge should seek equilibrium and thus transfer the knowledge to the dumb person, that way instead of having something good and something bad, we'll have two mediocre people.

RMD: Well sir, my final question is what are your comments on your recent decision to put a toll road on US 522 and on WV Route 9.

PFA: I didn't have any choice, you can't handle the truth, what we've got here is...failure to communicate.

RMD: Sir, reciting cliches from Cool Han Luke won't get you out of this large blunder.

PFA: You had me at hello.....this doing anything for ya?

RMD: Not doing anything for me.

PFA: Not at all?

RMD: Nope.

PFA: Damn, well I guess I have no choice, I have to own up to it. I owe millions of dollars to the Colombian Cartel and the Sicilian Mafia.

RMD: What on Earth for?

PFA: protection

RMD: from who?

PFA: From....the ghost of Biggie Smalls.

RMD: Sir?

PFA: I have a La Resistance exclusive for you I may have killed Biggie Smalls, and now he is haunting me and trying to kill me.

RMD: Sir, you killed Biggie Smalls?

PFA: I couldn't handle my anger when Tupac was killed. His rhythmic melodies about thug life and hustling made me relaxed and euphoric, I blamed Biggie, so I had him killed.

RMD: Sir, haven't the people suffered enough taxes and fees. Home foreclosures are at an all time high, and the government seems to be going back to the taxpayer well too many times.

PFA: So you're saying that I'm causing people to lose their homes?

RMD: Yes.

PFA: Awesome.....sleep over at my mansion.

RMD

All of these stories can be found at
www.morganmessenger.com

A Word With Our President: On ASSessment

2008-03-14T10:04:00.002-04:00

RMD: Mr. President why are you wearing a burlap sack and wallowing around in a puddle of your own tears?

PFA: Because I had to give some of my money back! I had to downgrade to a gulf stream 3, I have to wait two weeks for my gold leaf toilet paper, and on top of that I can't afford to pay child support for my small collection of illegitimate Burmese children!

RMD: Mr. President what are you talking about?

PFA: My political advisers Heywood Jablome and Azheeta m'Drawers told me that if I have any chance of winning reelection I had to make the voters happy. So I reluctantly lowered assessment modifiers from 300% to 1.5%. How in the hell is a politician supposed to make an honest living if the only way to make voters happy is to give them money.

RMD: Sir, those modifiers won't have an effect on taxes until next years tax rates are set.

PFA: So you mean, I waited until just after tax season to lower the assessment modifiers.

RMD: Yes.

PFA: So I'm not really losing any money or helping anyone at all?

RMD: Yes.

PFA: Awesome, so that means I can get my gold leaf toilet paper on schedule.

RMD: Sir is there any other news you would like to speak on?

PFA: Well, as you know, I am currently engaged in a long line of "sexiness initiatives," so I would now like to introduce my Street Sexiness Initiative.

RMD: Sir?

PFA: The Street Sexiness Initiative will appropriate massive amounts of funds to "sexy" up Mardonia's streets. The SSI committee found that power lines are ugly, but seeing as how they are necessary for our modern civilization, and it would cost 150,000 dollars per block to bury them, I developed a new plan.

RMD: What is it sir?

PFA: I took $150,000 and bought strippers for every block, now the power lines and telephone polls won't be so undesirable to Mardonian tourists, in fact I look for this to bring in a lot of tourist money.

RMD: Than you, Mr. President for another complicated solution to a simple problem.

RMD

The Resistance is Real

2008-03-03T21:30:00.002-05:00

Citizens of humble Mardonia, our resistance is real. Wikipedia says so, and everyone knows that if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true. Learn the history of La Resistance and of your favorite characters at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mardonian_Resistance

PFA

A Word With Our President: On Expenses

2008-03-03T21:05:00.002-05:00

RMD: Mr. President, Mardonia is in an uproar over your war with Fistpeteria. You also have mandated that residents along Fairview Drive hook up to the new sewer lines, much to their chagrin. The cost of this war is hurting Mardonia's disabled and the elderly, sir what do you propose the people of Mardonia do.

PFA: Get a job people. You retire at sixty-five, you still got ten more good years of digging in the mines to do. How am I supposed to fund this short-sighted occupation without any workers. Why didn't you tell me this was a retirement community?

RMD: Sir I thought that was common knowledge.

PFA: We are in a bloody conflict, but we are making progress. I wanted to propose a surge of troops, but I realized that the high school was empty. Those damn deserters. So I will kill two birds with one stone. Beginning next week I will draft the senior class.

RMD: Sir, you just said the high school was empty.

PFA: It is, my friend and I just got done playing hide and seek in there, it's awesome.

RMD: So sir how can you draft the senior class?

PFA: I mean actual seniors.

RMD: Sir?

PFA: Think of it, we will utilize Mardonia's only resource, old people. Sure, they look harmless old and sometimes crippled, but under that soft and smelly exterior lies the heart of a warrior. We just have to allow them to do what they do best, or I guess worst. It is a plan so diabolical those river rats won't have a chance.

RMD: What is that sir?

PFA: Drive!

RMD: Drive, Sir?

PFA: Yes, we will give all the town's seniors Crown Victorias and tell them that there is a new restaurant in Fistpeteria that has an early bird special and a senior discount. Think of the carnage man! Every senior citizen in Mardonia driving through Fistpeteria at one time. There is bound to be enough traffic accidents to cripple their infrastructure, and just when they think it is safe...BOOM I detonate the dirty bombs hidden under the Crown Vics, blowing Fistpeteria sky high and securing a new colony for Mardonia and at the same time ending all of these elderly people's money problems. This will fix social security and bring the price of property to new lows in Mardonia.

RMD: Sir, you can't honestly be suggesting turning Mardonia's elderly into suicide bombers.

PFA: Yep, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.

RMD: Well sir, for those of us who remain living, do you have anything to say about the new required sewer hook-ups?

PFA: Well, as you know 1992 Crown Victoria's aren't a dime a dozen, and I already spent the entire year's budget on the Parking Sexiness Initiative, The Banning Children From Telephones Act, Time Machine Research Act, buying that circus tent to put the courthouse in, and buying Thai hookers, I have to get the money from somewhere.

RMD: So you require two hundred and fifty perfectly happy citizens to hook up to a service that they neither want nor need?

PFA: The response has been amazing. Out of those two hundred and fifty people a half a dozen or so called my office and said they would be happy to be hooked up tomorrow. Now, you know half a dozen people actually represents a population of six hundred people. So that means that more than two-hundred percent of people required to hook up actually want to be hooked up to the sewer tomorrow.

RMD: Sir I think your math is....oh, never mind.

RMD

A Word With Our President: Celebration

2008-02-24T20:07:00.002-05:00

RMD: Mr. President what is going on here!?

PFA: It's a celebration bitches! Come on in, join the party!

RMD: Mr . President, what are we celebrating and why are you donning full military garb?

PFA: We're celebrating the Mardonian victory over the River Rats, we finally won, we did it! Through years and years of valiant effort and at the expense of millions of dollars and thousands of lives we finally destroyed the River Rats.

RMD: Mr. President, I'm afraid you're once again mistaken.

PFA: We will now annex their lands and take their women for our own.

RMD: Mr. President the victory was one of athletics and not military.

PFA: You mean...

RMD: I'm afraid that's right.

PFA: You mean I don't get to rape and pillage and burn their homes to the ground?

RMD: I'm afraid not.

PFA: Hmmmm...well....while I'm dressed this way.

*PFA makes his way through the crowd to a podium at the front of the room.*

PFA: My fellow Mardonians the time has come that we act against the imminent threat that is Fistperteria. They have stood in opposition to Mardonia too long and I for one am tired of their meager existence on this planet. So in front of you, my fellow Mardonians I do declare that I as the President of this humble land, so as to protect our children from great danger do declare war on Fistpeteria. For far too long we have only asserted athletic dominance over them and now we shall rape, pillage and plunder their land. We will defeat the Fistperians, annex their land and take their women for our own. So man gather your weapons, and we shall march onward to victory and establish ourselves as the dominant people in this land. Long live Maronia!

*The crowd explodes in joyous uproar.*

RMD: Oh no...

PFA: Let that be a lesson to you about politics. When your reality is false make your reality real.

RMD: Oh no...

PFA: Now comeone everyone, let's burn down a building and throw the debris in a protected wetland and pass the expenses on to the taxpayers to celebrate.

*Crowd goes wild*

RMD: Oh no.....

To Be Continued.................

A Word With Our President: Open for Business

2008-02-19T11:15:00.005-05:00

RMD: Mr. President the great state of Zardonia is in a joyous uproar this day because the state empirical government has decided to change the "Open For Business" welcome signs in favor of new "Wild and Wonderful" signs. What are your thoughts?

PFA: Well I don't want to brag but...

RMD: But what?

PFA: You're welcome

RMD: Sir, I'm afraid I don't understand.

PFA: Well I have a La Resistance exclusive for you. I'm single handedly responsible for getting the welcoming signs changed.

RMD: Sir, How did you manage that.

PFA: I met up with some friends from the Arm the Homeless Campaign and well...armed the homeless and told them that if they wanted a happy meal they would pressure the Zardonian government to get those signs changed.

RMD: Sir, I'm not sure that I agreed with your methods, but what prompted this sudden surge in interest? In general you're so indifferent on matters such as this.

PFA: I'm opening a brothel, it's called the Lewinsky. I need those signs for publicity. I was driving by and saw the picture of two mountains spread eagle with a fertile valley in the middle and it said "Open for Business" and I thought to myself "that would be perfect for my new bordello." So I hatched my elaborate scheme.

RMD:.....

PFA: What's the matter with you?

RMD: Oh sir, I'm sorry I just thought for a minute that you had a genuine interest in the opinions and desires of the people of Mardonia.

PFA: Nope, not in the least.

RMD: Well, sir to you're credit I do suppose that indirectly you did some good. Sir, it is also reported that Zardonian ambassador Byrd has allotted a large sum of money for a new rail trail, what are your thoughts?

PFA: What's that? I couldn't hear you over the crunching of these pork rinds I'm eating.

RMD: I was asking about...

PFA: Ohhh this bacon is soooooo good.

RMD: Sir!

PFA: These pig's feet are absolutely orgasmic!

RMD: Sir!

PFA: What!, can't a man enjoy various pork products in peace without these constant interruptions.

RMD: Sir, I wanted to ask about the new rail trail.

PFA: I think it's great. *whispers he's got my office bugged* The rail trail is a great use of taxpayer dollars. Did you know that Zardonian ambassador Byrd's one hundred and thirty-second birthday is coming up next week? Don't tell him, but I got him a fifty-five gallon drum of fresh stem cells, it's great for the skin.

RMD: Sir, is there anything else that's happening around Mardonia this week?

PFA: I've initiated my new Parking Sexiness Counter Initiative. The Islamic extremists have turned our gorgeous meter maid into a jolly old bald man. Will those basterds stop at nothing? Under my new initiative plastic surgery will be openly available for free for all of our meter maids.

RMD: Thank you sir for another amazingly complicated solution to a simple problem

RMD

A Word with Our President: Super Delegate

2008-02-12T21:26:00.000-05:00

RMD: Mr. President what in God’s name are you wearing

PFA: How did you know my secret identity?

RMD: The name plate on your desk says President Awesome

PFA: I do not know this President Awesome you speak of, for I am Super Delegate. I have the powers of flight, laser vision, and having a more important opinion than you.

RMD: Mr. President…

PFA: My name is Super Delegate!

RMD: Well…Super Delegate I think you’re mistaken, I’m not sure that you’re a super hero

PFA: This is blasphemy, I am a super hero, see it says so right here

*PFA hands a document to RMD. RMD reads it over.*

PFA: See, this paper is the source of my powers, I am Super Delegate.

RMD: *sighs* Mr. President….

PFA: Super Delegate

RMD: Sir, this paper says that you have been elected as a super delegate to the Democratic National Convention for the great state of Zardonia. You don’t have super powers at all.

PFA: So I don’t get to wear a leotard with a cool crest on it, and I can’t fly or shoot lasers from my eyes.

RMD: No sir, I’m afraid not.

PFA: But my opinion still matters more than yours?

RMD: Yes sir, it certainly appears that way.

PFA: Awesome

RMD

I Shouldn’t Be Alive

2008-02-12T21:03:00.000-05:00

My alarm clock siren broke my relaxation, I had to move. My head and limbs felt like lead weights as I climbed out of my warm a secure bed. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked out my foggy window optimistic about the new day. I quickly dressed, and grabbed a bite to eat, brushed my teeth, and then stepped out into the world. My feet crunched as they hit the ground, it was some white powdery substance, “snow,” I thought. This menace to society is an ever present risk during the winter months, so much as a few inches of this seemingly beautifully and fragilely made powder can shut down entire societies. I scowled at the site of it and made my way towards my vehicle, my cold hands trembled as I wiped the snow off of its windshield and headlights. It was still dark as I started off towards my destination.
The road was arduous, and my progress was slow, but I had to reach my destination. I was constantly counter-steering to keep myself on the road; I was dodging downed trees and the occasional stranded road warrior. My engine was fully revved and my tired constantly spinning. My destination was in sight, I could make out its mighty silhouette against the morning sky. At that precise moment of great beauty, misfortune visited my journey. My car careened off the road, struck a road sign, slid into another motorist, and ended up on its roof in a ditch. I was badly bruised and suspected I had cracked a few ribs, but my ability to travel on foot was unhindered. I scratched and clawed my way through the mounds of snow, my feet and hands frozen. I was losing consciousness when I saw it, my destination. I crawled through the door and regained my warmth and strength. I walked through the hallways and searched for what I was seeking. “Here it is!” I said aloud in my most ecstatic voice. I opened the door and waited for warm greetings, but alas they never came. The room was empty, “I must be wrong, where is it?” I thought. I turned to search elsewhere and there I saw it, a note. “Class has been cancelled today, Love Your Professor.”

A Word With Our President: On Super Tuesday

2008-02-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

RMD: Mr. President with the results of the Republican primary coming in for our great state of Zardonia…

PFA: NO I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO THE NORTH AMERICAN MAN BOY LOVE ASSOCIATION!

RMD: What are you going on about now?

PFA: I keep trying to call my chauffer but I keep getting the local NAMBLA office

RMD: Sir I guess that you are not aware that some of the area codes are about to be changed. It has been discovered that the 304 area code will be exhausted by the end of the year. At any rate, back to the primary…

PFA: Something must be done. I can’t learn three new numbers my brain is already so full of knowledge that there can’t possibly be more room.

RMD: Sir what can you do, there are only so many combinations of telephone numbers to be made.

PFA: What is causing this disaster?

RMD: Well sir there is a massive influx of people moving….

PFA: Babies!

RMD: Babies sir?

PFA: People are having too many babies and those babies are learning to use the telephone at a younger and younger age. I’m going to propose new legislation that will make it illegal for babies to use the telephone!

RMD: Sir I hardly think that is the issue.

PFA: Whew! I’m glad I had that crisis averted. Now anyway what were you saying about the elections?

RMD: Sir, I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but Mike Huckabee recently won Zardonia’s Republican Presidential Nomination, I just wanted to get your thoughts on this.

PFA: Mike Huckabee did what!? This is treason against me, Mike Huckabee must be stopped! I must call the Mardonian Militia and quell this uprising.

RMD: Sir…

PFA: *picks up phone and dials* Hello?...Who is this?...The National Union for Bums…No I do not have any spare change…*hangs up the phone*

RMD: Sir, Mike Huckabee did not get elected president of humble Mardonia. He won the republican primary for the great state of Zardonia.

PFA: Oh…I see. Good for him…I love Walker Texas Ranger.

RMD

A Word With Our President: On Zoning

2008-02-01T11:18:00.000-05:00

RMD enters the office covered in mud and leaves, he smells of car exhaust and motor oil. He is obviously tired and a bit besmirched.

PFA: What happened to you?

RMD: You know good and well what happened to me. You had a police officer throw me out of my house. I was getting ready for bed last night and I got thrown out of my house. The officer said that according to your zoning laws... *a picture frame on the wall cracks*

PFA: You can't say that! That is the thing not to be named!

RMD: What zoning laws? *A whiskey bottle breaks on the president's desk*

PFA: Stop that, don't say that word anymore, it is the thing not to be mentioned, get it?

RMD: Whatever, anyway the officer said that according to the thing not to be named it was against the law for me to dwell within twenty-five feet of my house. They also tore my house down because it was not exactly twenty six and one half feet high and it did not have the required number of windows. I had to sleep exactly twenty-five feet away from my house, which is in the middle of the road. What in God's name are you thinking making these things that are not to be named.

PFA: Oh....So that's why you smell like motor oil, that's pretty funny.

RMD: It is not funny! I don't suspect you were thrown out of your house were you?

PFA: Nope, mine is the right height and has the right number of windows, you should've checked the zoning laws. *The Presiden'ts office door falls off its hinges* Damnit, now you got me doing it.

RMD: How could you make these laws?

PFA: Look, it's not my job to make the laws!

RMD: But you're the president

PFA: Why yes, yes I am. Okay here's what we'll do I'll buy you three single wide trailers and stack them on top of each other, that way youre house will meet the height requirement and the number of windows. It may not be the most structurally sound, and you'll have to use a ladder to get between floors, and by the way I'd sleep on the top floor in case the whole thing collapses.

RMD: Thank you Mr. President for another complicated solution to a simple problem.

RMD leaves the room and before he opens the door he turns around and shouts "Zoning!" The President's desk collapses in his lap.

RMD

Blood in my Alchohol

2008-01-30T21:59:00.000-05:00

It was a fine evening in rural Mardonia. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was eating a TV dinner with my attractive wife Karen, it was the beef rib dinner. Some game show was on and I was thoroughly enjoying it's witty host and realistic contestant. Suddenly I heard a noise outside and a white light saturated my living room. When I came to I found my living room in shanbles. Karen was distrought and swearing in no particular coherence. I was still in my recliner, pinned down by my TV tray and it was then I saw him. A man, he had white hair and a beard, he looked wise and seemed to have a lot of experience, like he was some sort of elected official. It was then that he spoke to me: "Oh Jesus, where am I? Is this my house? God, I am so hammered right now." I suddenly realized what was going on, this man wasn't John McCain or some kind of deity he was some alchoholic who drove into my house.
I escaped from beneathe my TV tray and apprehended him. I held him while Karen called the Mardonian authorities. When they arrived they drew their weapons and demanded I let the man go. I complied and they helped him to his feet, I suspected to put him in handcuffs and charge him with DUI, but this was not to happen. They tackled me in my own home and demanded I apologize to the man. When I asked why they said that my house shouldn't of crossed his path. The idea that my house's location and somehow my ownership of it made this act of negligence my fault. After they left I slept out in a tent in my front yard, and almost froze to death. When I awoke the next day the mail lady was pulling away from my house. I went to my mailbox where I suspected that I had recieved some package. I rummaged through my mail hoping to find something to brighten my day, but to my dismay I found a bill for the damage to the man's car. How is it that I should have to pay for the negligence of another? Is that the American way. Then I opened another letter making me aware that my water was leaking and my sewer was polluting the springs and I would have to pay for that also.

PFA

Government By The People

2008-01-28T20:20:00.000-05:00

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Gettysburg Address 1863

What a great Utopian idea our country is founded on, a government by the people, yet this idea is more and more becoming a pipe dream. As many of you know politics is a field that can bend the iron spirits of the strongest Americans. So why would anyone want to enter this depressing field? One enters politics with the hope of being able to make their stamp on history and furthermore to give back to the nation that has been so good to you and I. Our government was designed to allow you and I to make the effort to better our nation, but this is not the case in modern times.
Yes, an elite group of businessmen have made our government there own through various dirty tactics. Much like expensive homes being built in your neighborhood can make your home less valuable these elitists have thrown enough money into politicking to make it inaccessible to the general public. A campaign requires a staff, advertising (signs, commercials, etc.), and it even costs a considerable sum to enter a race at all. On top of those many costs it is also unlikely or completely impossible for a public official to be employed anywhere else. Politicians have made legislation that doesn't allow for ordinary people to supplement a politician's meager wages with another job deeming it a conflict of interest.
Because our public officials cannot hold another job in most cases they do not have a job to return to when they decide to resign or do not get reelected. This is why we have an epidemic of career politicians in this nation. Our best presidents and congressmen are driving a cab in the Bronx, but cannot afford to bring their innovative and revolutionary ideas into the public realm and make them a reality.
Most of the presidential candidates have at least one thing in common, they are running on a message of change, they are running against the status quo. If change is truly what the American people want they need to support legislation to make government more accessible for you and I.

PFA

Group Flirting

2008-01-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

As a member of male society I, like many of you have engaged in group flirtation with those of the opposite sex. Many of you are now wondering what "group flirting" is and how it is performed, well let me assure you that it happens everyday in college campuses and high schools across our nation, I also imagine that it happens in offices and bars as well. Group flirting is a practice in which a group of males surround a lone female and all at the same time try to assert dominance over the other and win the affections of the female.
I saw this in practice just today in the hallways outside of my classes. A group of eligible and of course horny college males were all competing for one singular female. I laughed about this quietly in my head as I watched them all making a futile attempt at gaining the opportunity to perform sensual acts. Little did these guys know that none of them would ever have a chance at what they were ultimately seeking.
These inexperienced men were chasing a false dream. All of the times I have seen this in practice throughout high school and my brief college career I have never heard of one instance in which this tactic leads to its ultimate end. The practice is desirable for the men because many of them at this age find one on one time with women awkward and uncomfortable. Having your friends there seems to make your chances of being witty and clever more likely in that it creates a comfortable and laid back environment, but it also thins an individuals chances by spreading them among a group. The practice is of course desirable to women because it seems that attention equals sustenance for young attractive females.
The reason it doesn't work is because most women aren't interested in sleeping with an entire group of men. Take a lesson from the Night at the Roxberry guys, this doesn't work. If a girl feigns interest in you and your friends that means she is not interested in you.

PFA

Teaching to the Test

2008-01-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

Preparation for the world beyond is the goal of all public education. So why is it that these same institutions are discouraging free thought. I know what you're thinking...PFA, how could this happen, how could the educational system be broken? In two simple words the answer is standardized testing.
These tests encourage the youth of our nation to regurgitate useless facts instead of fabricating new ideas. Youth are encouraged to memorize but not to think. And this brings me to The No Child Left Behind Act. While this bit of government legislation did not start this trend it certainly did reinforce it. The incentive the act uses to make sure that these institutions excel at these tests is further disturbing. Public schools that do not meet these requirements lose their federal funding which raises the question, who in their right mind would think it a good idea to cut federal funding to a school that is already floundering. It makes sense to me, lets take away much needed supplies from a school that is already performing horribly. Is it not enough that the low test scores are more than likely caused by the fact that tests are modern and the text books are from the seventies. And thus begins a vicious cycle. Students cannot pass a test because schools cannot afford new text books, and schools cannot afford new text books because they cannot pass a test.

PFA

Gratuitous Spending, A Word With Our President

2008-01-24T08:13:00.000-05:00

RMD: Mr. President a great tradgedy has befallen our beloved Mardonia, we have lost our Empiracle Building
PFA: When the hell did that happen?
RMD: Sir you're in charge and should know as an elected official that we have been operating without our courthouse for some time.
PFA: Oh, yea, I remember that now, what about it?
RMD: Rumor has it that you and your officers have decided to raise taxes to build a new courthouse and are accruing a multi million dollar debt for our county to build it. A lot of our citizens are angry about these tax hikes for our new courthouse that burned down do you think that this tradgedy could of been averted.
PFA: Well do you know how much smoke detectors cost? They just happen to cost 12.5 million dollars, and where would you like me to get that kind of money.
RMD: Sir, smoke detetctors only cost five dollars, I think you're referring to the cost of our burnt down courthouse.
PFA: Now it wouldn't do any good to put a smoke detector in a burnt down courthouse now would it? You thought you had me!
RMD: *sigh* At any rate sir, could the county use the soon to be closed War Memorial Hospital building for the new courthouse, and would this alternative be more cost effective than building a new courthouse.
PFA: But I want a new one!
RMD: Also sir, don't you think that the new parking lot left by the dismembered courthouse is good for local businesses.
PFA: I really need to get some parking meters in that parking lot, I'm losing my ass on that. OK I got a solution we'll get a circus to loan us a tent and we'll keep the courthouse there. That way I can keep myself entertained with the elephants, and the bearded lady. How awesome would that be, our government inside a circus....awesome.
RMD: I hardly see how that solves the...
PFA: I have made my decision! and it will stand. *Note to self, call Barnum and Bailey*
RMD: Thank you sir for another incredibly complicated solution to a simple problem.

RMD

Smoke and Freedom

2008-01-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

Is it the right of local, state, and federal governments to dictate what someone can do with his or her property? Of course the answer that most of us come to is no. Many of us, my self included, believe that the government should have no say in what we do with our personal property. If I want to put a new couch in my apartment, should I have to get a permit to do so? of course not. If this is the case than why do we allow our government to ban smoking in businesses that are privately owned and operated.
My home town recently banned indoor smoking and this has caused a great deal of controversy among local business owners. One such instance is our local bowling alley; for the longest time smoking was allowed in the bowling alley and in the connected bar. This has long since become a thing of the past. I understand banning smoking in public buildings, for those belong to the government and they should be able to do as they please with their own property, but to ban smoking in private businesses without the consent of the owner seems to go against the fundamental beliefs of our country in that by this precedent the government has been allowed to tell someone what to do with their private property.
The citizens of our country have taken convenience over freedom. It's not easy enough to express your discontent with a businesses practices by, I don't know, not spending your money there, but we opted out to change the law in favor of giving up some of our freedoms. Instead of changing the laws it would be less short sighted to force a business to change their practices out of economic necessity instead of political necessity.
Freedoms are not lost overnight, but it is rather a slow and gradual process. Bans on smoking are just one rung on the ladder. If the government can ban smoking in private businesses because it is unhealthy, what is to say they can't tell you how many times a week you can eat cheese burgers in private homes. The choice should be given to the individual, but isn't that a current trend in society, to take responsibility out of the hands of the individual and give it to the state. I for one do not want disconnected lifetime politicians making hypocritical decisions about my everyday life, those choices are mine and yours to make.

PFA

Bottle Blondes and Politics

2008-01-23T22:28:00.000-05:00

Being a freshman in a major University is not that much different than being a freshman in High school. The inexperience is the same, the learning curve is the same, in fact, College life is not at all that different from being in High School. High School is often thought of as a place of preparation for college and beyond, and in the sense of society it serves its purpose. The cliques and interactions between them are the same.
Today I quietly observed a group of females seated across from me in our mess hall. The most discerning thing about them was their apparent lack of intellect. They were talking about current events, politics and things of the like. It was then I heard one of them mutter the following: "I'm going to vote for John Edwards because he is cute and I like his haircut," another one said they would vote for Clinton because she was the only female running. This seemingly meaningless and insignificant conversation takes on larger meaning to someone who believes that small groups can represent a greater society.
These young women represent a new class of voters who wield a disturbing amount of power. They don't look at foreign or economic policy or any number of more important characteristics, but make their decisions based upon things like haircuts and gender. This is not to say that women or only the young make decisions based on such superficial characteristics.
My mother told me of another example. An elderly woman in the hospital where she works said that she would vote for Clinton because she was elderly and wanted to see a woman president before she passed away. This is an easy argument for her to make because she will not have to live the repercussions of her eventual decision. The news talks of similar characteristics, they always talk of the black vote for Obama and the female vote for Clinton, or the evangelical vote for Huckabee, things like policy and goals have become an afterthought. I would argue that most U.S. voters including myself do not even know the policies of the people that they will be voting for in November.
With the discontent shared by most of the American people for their elected officials one must ask themselves how we came to the government that we currently have. The discontent is caused by the fact that most elected officials are completely out of touch with the world in which the proletariat live, but those officials are elected because of the general ignorance of the American public concerning economic, foreign and domestic policy.

PFA

Intoduction

2008-01-23T22:16:00.000-05:00

The best writers in the history of the world have been nothing more than great observers of the human condition. Human nature is a curious thing, people are generally good natured but are full of flaws. These flaws often display irony, comedy, and tradgedy. An interesting paradox becomes apparent. This blog is through the eyes of an observer of this human nature. I want to expose these ironies and tradgedies in order to give my readers a better sense of their condition, to open their eyes to their shortcomings and the natural comedy that surrounds our everyday lives. Logic is a curious thing, and the secrets of humanity's conflict can be unlocked by our logic. It is through this logic that we are seperated from beasts.

PFA